Building A Better Fear Of Flying Program
An email.
I am one of the oldies who took the Fear of Flying course from “Slim” Cummings himself. A wonderful man: I flew to Atlantic City with Captain Cummings - not in the cockpit, but as a reassuring presence in the cabin for our group of Fearless Flyers. It remains as my best flight ever - I was thrilled, overjoyed, and relaxed. I know many flyers would actually pay you to be in the cabin with them - and it happened to me - the reassuring presence of Capt Cummings. That said, I have a morbid fear of heights. I’ve always said, my fantasy is to fly at 3,000 feet in a plane so I can see the ground. A total fantasy, but the child in us lives with them.
Do you see the problem? The emotional regulation she needed to fly was produced - not by permanent inner resources - but by a temporarily available external resource, a charismatic hero figure.
Slim had a way with people. A friend of his told me that he, Slim, and two other pilots were driving around Miami one evening when Slim suggested they find some girls. The other pilots liked the idea, but didn't have a strategy. Approaching a bar, Slim said, "Pull over here." Slim got out of the car and went inside. The other pilots waited in the car. Ten minutes later, Slim came out of the bar with four attractive women. They all got in the car and the party began.
I worked with his course as a volunteer for a couple of years. I saw him shepherd his flock onto the plane telling them, "Come on, folks. Get on the plane. It will be fine." For some, it was. One flight broke the ice and they were able to fly at that. But for others, it was like a one-night stand; nothing of value remained about the course but the memory.
But, as I see it, an anxious flier needs to learn to regulate their own fears and anxieties. Otherwise, they may get stuck wishing, as the Gershwin song says, for "someone to watch over me."
There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he
Turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.
I told Slim we needed to augment his course with emotion-regulating psychological resources. Slim said we would. But, when it didn't happen, I left and set up SOAR. Initially, I offered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as a resource clients could use on their own. CBT, though, was a disappointment. It didn't work for people who became hyper-aroused rapidly. They could not apply the CBT tools quickly enough to keep from going into panic.
Though its effectiveness is limited, CBT dominates U.S. psychology because it saves insurance companies money. Your insurance company approves a few sessions. If those don't cure you, the insurance company considers you incurable.
Fortunately, there is another school of thought coming out of the U.K. British pediatrician turned psychotherapist, Donald Winnicott, developed theories of child development that have stood the test of time. His theories were not developed in a lab or an ivory tower in academia. He learned from direct experience with the children who were his patients and observed how they and their parents interacted.
Winnicott saw that children need a caretaker who can provide a physically safe and emotionally responsive "holding environment. As a child develops, the security of the holding environment gets built inside the child. Security that is built inside is portable. Portable security allows the child to venture forth from his benign home base into the less benevolent larger world, explore it a bit, and return to home base for emotional refueling.
Another theorist, Heinz Kohut, saw good development as the result of "optimal frustration." The child's engagement - first within the holding environment, and later with the larger world - needed to be somewhat challenging. If too easy, "no strain, no gain." If too hard, "all strain, just pain."
Parents don't need to artificially stress their child. The challenges present in a natural parent-child relationship are enough to produce optimal frustration.
To get a better grasp of Winnicott's theory, think of a Tesla. A Tesla's holding environment is nothing more than a parking slot where its batteries can be charged. A Tesla only needs its electrical batteries charged.
We humans need both our physical batteries and our emotional batteries charged. Our physical batteries are charged through nourishment and rest. Our emotional batteries are charged through relationship. Our emotional batteries get bigger through optimal frustration.
As our batteries grow larger and larger, we - like a Tesla - can venture farther and farther from home base.
Having a pilot fly with you does nothing to increase your emotional strength. Venturing forth does. Since the ability to venture forth comes from relationships, the SOAR program shows you how to use relationships you have - and relationships we can add - to make it possible for you to venture out and fly.
If you are ready to begin, go to https://www.fearofflying.com/relief/
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